“I Would Have Made a Good Mother’, this is the title of a poem I wrote. I wrote this after I had to accept that I would not be able to have children. They say there are certain times in your life you never forget. I sit here now, and I cannot recall the years I had to have a Myomectomy and that nine years later I had to have partial Hysterectomy. I recall the first surgery because my doctor who was one of the best and most trusted doctors in my hometown, told me, “now go have me some kids”. The second surgery he says, “you almost made it ten years”. So, it was 9 years between the two surgeries. I guess I cannot remember the years because of the pain. The pain caused by fibroid tumors that my doctor said may have been growing since I was a child.
After the first surgeries I felt so much better. It was as if a weight had been lifted and in a way it had. Fibroid tumors can grow extremely large which make them painful. My doctor was pleased because he had, with help from two other doctors gotten all the tumors and left me able to bare children. I was pleased too. However, his above encouragement to go and have him babies was not to be. I was single. You may ask what did that have to do with anything if I wanted children and yes, I did want kids. Well, not only was I single, but I was also saved, I was a Christian. Yes, I could have had a child as a single woman, but I did not want to have a child without having a man in the child’s life. I could have adopted but that would have been the same thing. I wanted the child to have a father, in the house, in the home. I wanted two boys. I had names picked out and everything, Brendan Mitchell and Jr. (named after his father). Nine years later and I had to face this same thing again. My doctor prior to the second surgery wanted me to get a second opinion of which I did. He started me on birth control which helped with one thing but not the pain. The second opinion was a woman doctor who shared she had experienced the same thing. She and her husband had adopted a beautiful baby girl. She also informed me that the fibroids can in time turn cancerous. I went in having the second surgery knowing I would no longer be able to have children. I truly held out as long as I could. The pain at times would have me bent over. One of the tumors was so big I could feel it whenever I laid on my stomach. I would meet guys who thought I was a catch, never married and no kids?! I was once asked how I pulled that off. I did not feel like a catch. I felt like a complete failure. I felt like I was less than a woman. Also, being told I must be a lesbian because I had never been married, and I had no kids did not help. Some men tend to see a woman in my situation as desperate. And my having standards made me a complete idiot. So, I begin responding if asked about children, that it was due to medical reasons. When asked, why I have not been married, I always put it back on my male counterparts. The medical condition answer always got me a bit of sympathy, but it did not help the grief. It had not stopped the anger, I felt sorry for myself, I felt useless, unattractive. I felt so many different emotions for so many years, for so many Happy Mother’s Day. It was before during and after the surgeries, I encountered the mistakes I speak of in the book. As much as I wanted to be married and have kids, I was not willing to settle or lower my standards. I concluded I would rather be alone with God, then be with the wrong person. I discovered being alone with Him was what I needed in order to stop making mistakes. Time with Him, more than anything else helped me find all of me. It was time well spent, because in doing so I recognized I needed to heal and deal with me. This needed to be done before I brought someone in to unpredictable emotional chaos. I had to heal and forgive. I had to allow God to help me manage what simply was because it is what it is. I forgave myself and I stopped being angry with God. Yes, I said God. I was angry at God. I felt like He did not heal me. I had gone through this once and now again. However, I stand thoroughly convinced that God is a healer. I do not question why He did not heal me, because as far as I am concern, He has.
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